“Did you ever REALLY let go of your ‘Mr. Big’?” One sister asked me yesterday.
Well actually she named the name, but I prefer the pseudonym. Me and her shared the same history, had a relationship with a ‘Mr. Big’ – a long time ON again OFF again kind of lover, me for fine 5 years and she was 2 years longer. Yeeaah we feel like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and The City =))
I proudly said to her, ‘Yes, I did’ =)
“Then, how did you move on?”
Here’s what I know.
Sometimes two people seem so great as a couple just not destined to be together, that’s life! I tried so many times just to find out that running FROM your pain, pretending that it was never happened were exhausting and a serious big waste of time. But I was lucky having such a wise mind I can call best friend, he said. “Ambar, If you wanna healed you gotta deal with it! Allow yourself to grieve, that plain and simple!”. So, that’s what I did.
I faced those hurt, loss and sadness. I boxed up all ‘the relics’-pieces of history-that highlighted long chapter of our life: books, pics, souvenirs, clothes, ring(!), but before that, I spent quite a time with them. I tried to recall every moment and reason why he gave me each of that stuff, and the feeling I felt upon. I re-read our old emails, laughed on our silly jokes, went back to what once were our places, songs, movies. I allowed myself to feel every emotion without judgment, without asking ‘what went wrong’, without wondering ‘what if’, just sat down and let all the memories fill in.
I hurt, I cried, I said goodbye…..
That was one of the days, when I find myself so far removed from what once I WAS… I looked back and realized that somewhere along the way, his memory have LET GO OF ME.
To love someone for 5 years is a powerful thing… yeah I’m so damn proud of myself! Though the story wasn’t ended happily ever after, I am forever changed by the time I spent loving him. He hurt me, challenged me, disappointed me, strengthened me, infuriated me, motivated me, and inspired me. He taught me both how to let down my walls, be vulnerable allow him to treat me as his princess and also to set fences to protect my heart so that I can walk bravely on my own. He taught me to embrace my spontaneous side and to follow my heart instead of my head. He taught me to slow down my pace and live for the moment a little bit more. And last, he taught me how to love myself too much to not give a damn to someone who doesn’t love me enough.
Sure you know the famous line “Everyone comes to your life for a reason, brings something you must learn, and you also teach them something in return”
Well, who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew him, sure, I’ve been changed for good =)
PS: Dear sis to whom I owe this writing,, Fiuh, 7 years?!! You can’t erase it, so you might as well face it. Enjoy your short date with Mr. Grumpy Grieve, and then..yeah you’re highly experienced on maintain a truthfully committed relationship! Make that commitment with The Greatest Lover, He never hurts *cheers* *hug*
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